Sigh, It is with a heavy heart and a bigger butt that I must tell you this.
My role as “The Wrinkled Writer” is going to be very short-lived.
Because I have been chosen to be Skim Skardashian’s body double!!!!
You heard me, I have been chosen out of thousands and thousands of candidates to parade around as Skim Skardashian so that she is safe and sound and in the arms of her true love, Skamye, also known as Hoo-hah, Snut-job, Get-a Grip.
You might have heard of Skim’s recent sad, sad, very sad, ordeal in Paris. After flashing zillions of dollars of diamonds and other jewelry on Snitsagram, allegedly, some very bad poop-tarts, robbed kim in her hotel.
Skamye was NOT happy.
He immediately flew to Paris, (without a plane … just flapping his trap), and rescued Skimmy, and immediately FIRED the whole security crew, which consists of 4,586,756, not so bad-asses.
That is when the call for a call for a body double came to be.
As you know, I am a bodacious babe. I was known for my big breasts, big butt and sour face, while at Norwood High. During my senior year, I was named, “Most Likely To Start My Career With a Sex Tape.”
I have played at writing and real estate and being the Ambassador to the country of “Ain’t Got a Clue,” in the far, far far, Middle East,
had a brief stint shacked up with Michael Sbolton, and ended up plucking chin hairs for the Paramedics in Clover.
So, this is my big break.
I have worked on getting a butt to end all butts down here and lately, in order to get ready for the body double interview, I have worn a waist pincher 24-9. A professional pouter has helped me develop Skim’s pout and icy, vacant, “eat shit and die” stare.
I got our my old Mark Eden breast enhancer exercise equipment and went to town.
So did Nick.
Tryouts were strenuous and scary. I had to wear a see-through dress and put ice cubes on my nipples prior to walking in from of Skim and Scamye. Skris Skardashian was also a judge. It was the weirdest thing. I detected dollar signs in Skris’s eyes.
Fifty photographers shot photos of me from every angle. It was a close competition until I whipped out my baton and twirled. Skim’s eyes lit up, as she always wanted to be a majorette.
I nixed the part of the trial that involved sleeping with Skimye, although it was enticing as he seemed to be twerking when he gave me a hug.
The gig sounds easy. All I have to do is take 5,687,900 selfies a day, most with only half an outfit on. The icing the nips is going to be a pain, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.
Nick and Winston are very excited. I think I saw them doing a happy dance when I told them I was leaving next Tuesday.
Skardashian Training Camp, you know. I have to learn ho to spit nails, get fitted for a bullet-proof butt and boob vest, never smile, and laugh all of the way to the bank.
Wish me good luck.
I am certain the Norwood High Alumni will be very proud of me.