The Rio Games Report

Rio De Janeiro – August 2016

Let the games begin!

With flourish and fanfare the games of the IVXCIVX Olympiadic began Friday evening. With unexpected appearances by major world players and celebrities, the games, which cost an estimated $3,378,588,285,349,298.00, or enough to give everyone in the world a good teeth cleaning and complete set of x-rays, began in Rio, home to marimbas, marimbas, pimentos, and barely clothed girls from Ipanema, wowed the world.

World leaders and wannabe leaders showed up like this was “America’s Got Talent,” and surprised not only watchers, but producers and game organizers. Several unknown sources reported even Bob Costas aged during the performance as he was flummoxed. His makeup ended up in a pool dripping from his chin.

The United States, as it is sometimes does, took over the opening ceremonies. Donald Trump flew his helicopter in his plane to Rio, and then flew from the Rio airport in the helicopter. Instead of a huge mirrored Samba ball that was supposed to drop, Trump’s helicopter hovered overheard while a ladder dropped down.

The crowd gasped and went gaga as some man, with hair as bright as the sun and orange skin, emerged from the helicopter in a “Super Trump” suit!

Trump climbed down the ladder, swaying in the night breeze, changing positions as the wind blew. He had a difficult time maneuvering as he held a megaphone in one hand. The crowd went palm trees, believing it was the Second Coming … of the sun, as spotlights shone on what appeared to be spun gold on top of his head.

Trump jumped off the ladder while still 50 or so feet above the ground.

He failed to “stick” his landing. He blamed the error of judgment on Paul Ryan.

Once he had adjusted himself, his five kids emerged from the helicopter attached to wires that lowered them and spun them around on their descent to earth.

They each held sparklers. It was quite the scene.

The crowd was confused as it was expecting soccer great, “Pele.”

Trump took too a podium and exclaimed that he, and he alone can save the Olympiadic Games. And the world.

Trump is scheduled to compete in the gymnastic’s floor exercise and uneven bars. He was kicked off the synchronized swimming team because his makeup contrasted with the other team members.

Shortly after that surprise, and during the parade of nations, who threw a percentage of the 400,000 condoms that they had been given, into the crowd, another “UGE” unplanned event happened.

Team USA had just entered the stadium with Michael Phelps proudly carrying the American flag, when people began hearing a screaming screechy voice or a manic woman. The woman pushed her way through the athletes, banging volleyball players, climbing over pole vaulters, hurdling over hurdlers.

My good grip, it was Hillary Clinton!

The crowd was stunned.

And silenced.

The only voice heard was that voice people have heard for the last 30 years, yelling, “Give me that flag … it’s MY turn.”

When she reached Michael Phelps, who had now stopped dead in his swim lane. she tried to wrestle the flag from him.

“Give me that flag you conservative moron. This is Mine! I tell you it is Mine! I have paid my dues while everyone paid me … promised me and I am taking control! Out of the way you plebe.”

Michael Phelps was not giving up without a fight. Not wanting to hit a lady, but figuring Hillary didn’t fall into that category, Phelps took one of his 12 ft. long arms, and pushed Hillary to the ground.

The crowd gasped. Bob Costas spit out his Gatorade that was laced with rum.

Hillary, played flat on the ground in her Lycra gold lame … pantsuit.

Soon, Bill clintons voice could be heard, barely, as he sounded like he was 98.

“Don’t worry, Hill, I’m a coming.”

Hillary was not even embarrassed. She simply got up and said in a loud voice, “I am going to send the organizer of this thing an email.”

She hobbled back through the Team Usa, promising each of the participants a job at the Clinton Foundation after the games were over. She stopped only for two seconds to knee Bernie Sanders in the groin. Sanders was there to compete in the hand gesturing competition that will take place Monday at 3:30 in the morning.

Bill Clinton had signed Hillary up for Jujitsu competition because he enjoyed watching a bit of girl-on-girl, action.

If that wasn’t enough, who else should be walking with Team Usa, but Kim, “Big Butt” Kardashian. She is competing in a new event called the “Triple Butt and Boob Bounce.”

It was rumored that America’s NBA team, was adrift on a luxury yacht and would miss the first two games, but would show up for the gold medal round.

Due to lack of space, the members of the gymnastics teams from all countries, are, because none of them (mail or female) are over 4’3″, will sleep in the drawers of the lacrosse teams.

Drug tests have been discontinued because, well, who really cares. The whole thing is a bunch of hoo-ha, anyway.95775475b

Hope Solo, the renegade USA woman’s soccer player, was seen giving the stink-eye to the booing crowd for so long, that team doctors are concerned she now has a permanent stink-eye.

Trump built his own Olympiadic Village, where he is housing his all of his Trump Team workers, aka, his kids.

Hillary has settled in nicely at a nearby pantsuit factory, while there have been reports of Bill Clinton, playing with some Brazilian marimbas. Actually, he hasn’t been seen since the opening ceremony.

And Hillary is glad.

The athletic contests begin today. Trump will be taking the day to look for Miss Universe contestants, and Hillary will be practicing on her pummel horse. Kardashian will be bout-bouncing between the venues, looking for Jesus. Not the real one, but the clown she married who calls himself, Jesus.

And so go the IVXCIVX Olympiadic Games.

It has been a whirlwind so far, folks. Tune in tomorrow to read about unexpected events and new sports that are cropping up. You won’t believe some of them. Aye, aye, aye.

Your Not-So Humble Correspondent. Edward R. Murrow




2 Comments Add yours

  1. Teresa says:

    You’re the funniest person I know!
    This opening ceremony was better than the real one. I lasted for about ten minutes with that one!


    1. Susan DeBow says:

      Ha! I am glad you enjoyed the comfort of the ceremony from the vantage point of your own mind.


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